Many will remember the moment back in January 2014 when actress Laverne Cox ukraine disabled dating Katie Couric, after Couric ask an invasive question about her body. The reality of trans people’s lives is that so often we are targets of violence. We experience discrimination disproportionately to the rest of the community.

For the most part, people have respected that request. But according to my friend Nomi Ruiz, this has inadvertently created a taboo in the trans community: Nobody talks about sex. Nomi is a transgender singer and host of the podcast Allegedly NYC. Now, I’m a cis person, and therefore have no personal insight to share on this seemingly off-limits subject. But I do know well that, when dealing with sexuality or any other sensitive topic, it is generally useful to hear the stories of people with experiences similar to your own, because it helps you to better understand your own experience and your own body. It helps you to not feel so fucking alone, basically.

Over Chardonnay in Bushwick, Brooklyn, I sat down with Nomi to talk about sex. And if you’re post-op, they think you just had your penis cut off. There’s still this shock factor to having a sex change. According to Nomi, these misconceptions are common even within her own, progressive social scene.

Or people think you can’t orgasm. But if they knew how beautiful and how natural the vagina really is, and how it’s so in tune with your mind and your body, I think people would start seeing it as sexy rather than as a science experiment. Nomi said that as she was preparing for SRS, she wished there were more women talking about their experiences of sex after surgery, because she felt sort of in the dark. So there was always that fear and that risk.

I’d rather not enjoy sex than live this way. Nomi had SRS five years ago, in her mid-20s. She asked me: What are you looking to achieve? Like, are you a lesbian, are you interested in being penetrated? Is it more important to focus on the nerve endings in your clit, or do you want a lot of depth? Like any major surgery, there is a lengthy recovery period. They give you four dilators, with a ruler on them.

You’re basically fucking yourself: You slowly increase the size, so that you keep the depth and width you’ve achieved. It’s important to note here that Nomi’s experience is not every trans woman’s experience. The process of altering one’s birth sex is complex, happens over a long period of time, and does not always involve surgery. SRS is only one small part of transition, and not all transgender people choose to, or can afford to, undergo surgery.

Though it’s sort of strange to think of SRS as a privilege, there are many transgender people who want SRS but do not have access to it. When she did start having sex, it felt kind of weird for a while. I was like, Maybe it’s not working. It’s not like other girls’ vaginas. Nomi was faced with a harsh reality: A lot of guys just aren’t that great with their tongue. Oh, duh, okay, it really depends.

It’s not like jerking off a penis. When I had better lovers, things changed. It took meeting the right guy, slowly fingering me, seeing how I reacted. You need someone to help you enjoy your body, not someone who just wants to fuck you.

As she continued to explore her body, sex became better than she ever imagined. I didn’t realize that it would be this beautiful, natural part of me. Holy shit, this is beyond what I thought my sex life could be. But I still love anal sex. The best sex is if we do both.

Other changes Nomi noticed were more mental than physical. It was like shooting a gun, like I’ve got to get rid of this. But now I really have to be present and be into the person in order for my body to react. Like, my vagina will basically reject a penis if I’m not into the sex.

But if I am into it, it gets really open and moist. I feel sex is more attached to my brain now. In other words, Nomi’s experience became an almost clichéd account of sex as a woman—i. You have to be in the right headspace, with the right atmosphere. And Nomi isn’t the only trans woman I’ve heard say this.